As with most compulsive acts, affairs are not set up in that split second you and your lover's eyes meet and you're consumed with sexual desire; the affair is set up months and sometimes years before. It often begins with a relationship impasse dashed expectations, festering resentments or one horrible misunderstanding and lack of tools to deal with the problem head-on. That's where the seeds of fantasy are laid.
If the problems don't get worked out, the affair-seeds begin to take grow and take root until pretty soon, you've developed a full-grown justification for straying. Of course, you may have the tools to resolve differences, but not the desire. In either case, the avoidance at play is what starts to deteriorate your union. As hard as it can be to tell the person you married that you no longer want to be in the marriage, it is the more adult thing to do, and it is far less hurtful than perpetrating a betrayal.
Feeling attractive to someone is exhilarating. Seducing someone can be powerful. And, along with being a tension reliever, sex can give you a sense of well-being. Affairs ARE devastating to the one who was betrayed. Being cheated on or left for another is one of the most painful experiences any adult will experience and it can take years to recover. I know several people who never get over the pain of the loss, the sense of betrayal and the sadness of losing the person they loved dearly.
Woman divorces husband for having a 'virtual' affair on Second Life
One woman I know died last year of what I'm sure was a broken heart more than six years after her divorce was final. Despite working hard to recover, she never got on the other side of the pain. When your ex is hurt and devastated, it will make any divorce more complicated, more emotional and it will take far longer to recover from than it would have if you had come to the decision from a more mutual place.
Affairs ARE avoidable. If you are unhappy in your marriage, do something about it such as seek out counseling even if it's to help you split apart , talk to your mate, get help. Waiting until you are sure -- or until the time is right--will do little more than make help time pass and bring you to the boiling point of not being able to "take it" another second. Here's something radical to consider: Monogamy is a choice, yet in our culture it is assumed.
Talk to your spouse openly about whether monogamy suits you both. You might just be surprised by what comes of the conversation.
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John had more than one. Instead of looking at their life together and calling it quits, they both started looking for answers, and for help. And while they are still working through the aftermath of the affairs and the betrayal, John thinks they have the tools to make things better. Here, John talks to Fatherly about how he and his wife always look at the big picture, and how they talk to their children about their relationship.
We dealt with infidelity a few times. Initially, it was me that strayed from the relationship. After the first time it happened, we just kind of tried to deal with it. We blew it off.
And then, it happened a couple more times. Initially, I went to talk to somebody by myself. We decided it would be a good idea for us both to go.
And then after the second affair, and things happening on her end, I wanted to try to figure something out that we could do. We eventually found a program that helps couples that are on the brink of separating or are already separated. It was different than just going to a counselor or just doing a course or just reading a book. I got to meet couples that had gone through similar things that we did. We had real couples we could talk to. All of those people were there because they wanted to help others because obviously, it helped them.
We got together when we were very, very young. We had kids when we were still pretty much in high school. And I know it sounds kinda weird, but I never lost attraction for her, or stopped loving her. Whenever things did come to fruition, where she found out about things, it was never my intention to leave. It was the same for her. Even though she knew that what she was doing was wrong, it was like, she was trying to force something.
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She knew that she really wanted to be with me. We both wanted to be with each other. But in the big picture, we both knew we wanted to be with each other. A lot of people say both people need to make it work for any kind of counseling or therapy to be worthwhile. Thank you, , for signing up. More in Relationships. It was an affair with an ex partner The affair was full-fledged and long term The cheater shows no remorse or does not apologize The cheating occurred early in the relationship The cheating is serial or a pattern of behavior. Is this the first time your spouse has cheated on you?
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Does your spouse recognize the cheating as a problem? Has your spouse accepted responsibility for being unfaithful? Has your spouse apologized? Do you believe your spouse is remorseful and truly regrets being unfaithful? Will your spouse attend both marital and individual counseling? Have all ties with the affair partner been severed? If the person is someone your spouse works with, have you discussed how your mate can keep the relationship on a business only basis? Do you think you and your spouse can have a successful, joyful, long-lasting marriage?
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Do you think you can ever trust your spouse again? Do you think your marriage is worth saving? If yes, then why? Do you think your spouse's past unfaithfulness will forever haunt your mind and heart? Can you forgive your spouse? Are you both willing to work on your marriage and learn how to resolve your underlying issues constructively communicater? Was this page helpful?